09I05I11

If you have ever felt

consumed,

alone,

torn,

worn down--

If you've ever felt punched in the stomach

As though each person was out to get you

If you have felt the desperate need to crawl within yourself

to pretend you don't exist for 5 min. or more.

If you simply want the day to be over

the conversation

the situation.

If you wish people could be quiet for 5 min

that people would mind their own business

that Satan could just... leave you alone.

I know how you feel.

The worst feeling though is having no one to talk to- or thinking you have no one to talk to at least.

Even as a Christian telling God my issues is hard. I feel kind of stupid telling him my petty problems. I guess I think.. dang God you have the a world full of craziness.. even though my world may feel like its crumbling.. what's that compared to everything you have to deal with?

Sometimes I talk like that ^ as if I don't know my God at all...

then I remembered this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwoS_wIWz18

If anyone cared about how I feel

about how terrible my day was

about how lonely or overwhelmed i feel

or how antagonized I may be

or how many people are against me

... God is always for me.

He always has my best interest.

And no matter what I do

he loves me.

he cares for me.

"When the storm is raging all around me, you are the peace that calms my troubled sea, when the cares of this world darken my day, you are the light that shines and shows me the way... "

3|23|11

I'm going to be 20 in about 2 months.

Some people say Age ain't nothin but a number, but the reality is age is what marks time. It can explain how much (or little) wisdom you have, what you should have accomplished, and what time you have left to accomplish them.

Sometimes I think back to elementary school and how much I wanted to get to middle school, and then I wanted to be in high school, then in high school all I could think of was college, and while I was content with where I was I always thought there was something better coming along.

When it comes to marriage, dating, and basically just finding someone to talk to and claim as your own- a lot of people want to jump the gun. No matter what your age is or how wise you might be, somehow you want what you want & don't really think twice about it.

We sometimes have this problem where we simply want what we want and don't care what the consequences are, we want what we want and God wants what he wants.

The problem with that however is that as Christians we should want to do what God want's us to do. When we chose to live for Christ that means every single part of our lives is given for his use, especially when deciding who God has planned for us to spend the rest of our lives with.

⁸ I desire to do your will, my God;
your law is within my heart.”

Psalm 40:8

I had an epiphany the other day and I'd like to share it with you guys.. ready for the Hallelujah Chorus?

- I have a really long time before I need to think about dating or marriage. Once that time comes I have to share myself with a whole other person. I have to love him, care for him, watch out for him, and then sooner or later care about kids and a mortgage and bills and a job.

NOW though is now. I only have these precious few years to myself where it can be JUST me and God. No husband, no kids, not mortgage. So during these precious few years that I have to have exclusive fellowship with God, I want to use it. I don't want to waste these years being concerned with trivial things. -

Be careful with how you use your time, there's no refund policy.

2|1|11

I am just so in awe of my God.

Its crazy to think of where I should be. Where I should have been headed. That from birth I was sentenced to death but I was snatched from the grasp of Satan. Its as if I was falling into a never ending crater but Jesus caught me and brought me out.

Whoever may stumble upon this blog that I write always with a heavy heart,

We will never understand this love he has for us, we will never be able to fully grasp it, we will never be able to fully imitate it.. yet its ours. Without a question, without a thought, he offered us the sweetest thing.

So if you have forgotten your savior, remember he has not forgotten you.

Romans 8:37-39
But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

12|30|10

Happy New Year!

(Almost)

2010

Its been a bittersweet year for me filled with smiles, tears, loneliness and love. I think the best thing to do before the new year starts and resolutions are made and broken it is best to look back and count your blessings.

To name them one by one.

In May after much prayer and waiting I was able to take Believers Baptism along with the rest of my family, I joined an amazing church, made new friendships and built up older ones, started to learn what my calling is, was able to teach VBS over the summer, became part of the youth leadership team, and through what seemed like my lowest point was able to rewrite my thoughts and become a better person.

Really though there are too many blessings to count and just as 2009 ended with awe and joy 2010 does as well.

“This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” - Isaiah 43:16, 18-19

This is my verse for the new year. There is no turning back as we run this race but we continue to press on toward the goal. I pray that this new year bring each of you a new heart after God and after his people.

& think hard about your new years resolutions, don't set yourself up for a fall but push yourself as well :)

10|12|10

Overwhelmed.

It literally means to be engulfed or submerged.

For the past few days I have been feeling completely... undone.

Its not an easy thing for me to say- I really hate saying when I'm stressed. I'll cry like a water fountain, laugh silently (but violently) off my chair, and spew out all my secrets as if I have no filter- But mentioning to my friends and family when I'm stressed out or slowly unraveling? Never.

But the truth is- i am. I feel like I have control over absolutely nothing and that every portion of my life has broken away from me and scattered to who knows where..

Not only grades and school but my emotions have gone haywire, I brood and dwell on the worst thoughts, I revisit my past a thousand times, make horrible decision after horrible decision and sometimes I just turn off.

I don't know how to manage anything... My time, my thoughts, my words, my hopes. Everything is just a pile of laundry on the floor.

I'm telling you this because I'm sure you are me. At least at some point in time you have been an extreme version of me, a percentage of me, or exactly like me. Whatever has been the case, you have felt the pressure of a thousand weights upon you.

The one thought that has brought me through every drowning moment is from Psalm 139

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, ^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

When you are lost and feeling like you are walking with your eyes wide open in the dark... trying to see but failing miserably- and when you feel like you are sinking further and further from reality

God is always, always a constant force- weaving within your problems and piecing them together to form the perfect masterpiece of your life.

When everything is just out of your control and you feel as if you've dropped a billion marbles

God is in control. And who better to take the reigns? He is far more able than I could ever be.

10|9|10

Just.

A lot of Christians are in love with this word, especially those who grew up in the church.

Its Just a Tv Show.

Its Just Music.

Its Just a word.

Its Just a shirt.

Its Just a dress.

Its Just a book.

Its Just a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Its Just flirting.

Its Just dancing.

Its Just one day.

Its Just this one time.

Its Just one try.

Its Just a movie.

Its Just how I express myself.

Its Just a joke.

Just.

The problem with that word is that nothing is ever Just- God does not like when we make exceptions to Holiness. Its never just a book, a song, a movie, a word, a trip to the club or just one sip of alcohol.

"But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Luke 12:48

Don't say you are not in leadership so you don't really have to worry about what you do, don't say that your whole life people have seen you as a screw up so you are allowed to falter here and there, don't say you are not perfect so you can mess up just because you treat God's mercy as a cushion.

Romans 8 contends that we are no longer bound by sin, once we have accepted Christ we are set free. You may mess up every now and again but if you view things as "just" then everything will become excused and you will eventually lose the Holiness God wishes for you.

Christians should strive to be seen as extreme, in every other case "extreme" can be a bad thing- too occupied with work, too stressed, too excited- but when it comes to loving Christ extreme should be our goal, everyone should aim towards being a consuming fire. To do this we must erase every "just" in our life- the more "just"s we remove, the closer we may grow to holiness & the closer we can grow to really having a relationship with God.

Its not impossible, with the Holy Spirit we can do all things.

God Bless :)

8|1|10

Nominal Christians.

Namesake Christians.

The fact that there are people in the world who call themselves Christian but are not born again has become so common that they are given a name. Nominal or Namesake. Meaning that if someone were to ask what religion they belong to or what church they go to, they have an answer and sadly Christian is the one many people cling to without knowing what it really means to Follow Christ.

If being Christian is an easy thing for you, then you probably are not Christian.

The Bible says we are to carry our cross, deny ourselves, and follow him, to crucify our sinful desires DAILY.

Carrying a cross is not an easy thing, and deny yourself is definitely not easy. Deny yourself means this-

Naturally we are sinners.

Naturally we desire sinful things- our eyes, ears, emotions are all prone to what is detestable in the Lord's sight. But God asks us to Deny ourselves of those things.

That means that if there is a popular show on TV but it shows explicit sex, foul language, or anything you would not watch with, lets say your parents, next to you- then you don't watch it. That means that if there's music on the radio describing lust, drugs, alcohol, or anything that you know is not of God- then you don't watch it.

And the list goes on and on.

Basically Christianity- having a Relationship with God- is a lifestyle. It is a continuous process of ripping apart your old self- bit by bit. Cracking and pulling off every dead and contaminating part of yourself and growing in righteousness.

For we are no longer slaves to sin but slaves to righteousness.

If you call yourself a Christian but you curse, if you call yourself a christian but you get drunk regularly, if you call yourself a Christian but you don't love Christ & your goal is not to become like him- then you have a rude awakening before you. But 1 John 1:9 says

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

Christianity is not a name, it is not a title, it is not a religion

Christianity is loving Christ, loving his sheep, and becoming like him.